waves of pain

How many times am I gonna have to tell him to BACK THE HELL OFF?!?!

I have made it VERY clear. VERY CLEAR what I will and will not tolerate. What does and does not scare me. He said he understood. He asked why I didn't tell him sooner.

NEWSFLASH!!!!!!!!!!!!

Probably because I didn't think he'd listen, and then I'd be stuck with a difficult decision. Probably because I knew deep inside I'd end up feeling the way I do right now.

Maybe he had an excuse before when I wasn't specific about what made me uncomfortable. Now he knows. There are no more excuses. I'll accept no more "I'm sorry's".

Why in the hell would you tell someone you loved them and then do the very thing that scares them the most when you KNOW it scares them? It would be like me lighting up a cigarette every time I was with him, and then saying "I wasn't thinking" whenever he got upset. I KNOW he hates cigarettes. Would he expect me to say "that's ok" over and over and over? No, I'm quite sure he wouldn't tolerate it half as well as I have so far, and this affects me so much deeper than me smoking could ever affect him.

This is my whole world. My soul depends on it. If I'm going to trust him with my heart, I've got to KNOW beyond a doubt he's not going to purposefully harm me.

If he can't be who I need him to be, he needs to just tell me. If he isn't willing to take things as slow as I need to feel safe, he needs to bail now. Every time I ask if he's having second thoughts he always says that above all else, he's more interested in keeping me around. Words can be so shallow sometimes....

How can we be having a real discussion about marriage one second - what we do or do not expect from the other - and the next be wrapped in an uncomfortable silence where I can't even look him in the eye without crying? Where I feel like I could just punch him right then and there for all he's put me through...all he's bringing up. For Richard and what he did, for every man who's ever disrespected me as a woman.

Another great evening ruined by the goodnight. Lord, I'm asking you now, will that ever change???

This is the e-mail he sent me after our argument. My response follows. We'll see what happens from here....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Ally,

Hey I am sorry for last night. I know you don't believe me but I honestly wasn't thinking. I will say I am sorry again when I see you because I truly am. I did not mean to and I just want to thank you for being patient with me these last few weeks. I know I haven't been pleasant to be around and I didn't help my case last night because I wasn't thinking.
I do love you and I will try to remember to think next time.

Bob"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"You're right. I don't believe you. And if you're surprised by that, maybe you need to re-analyze the way you've treated me. How many times are we going to go through this? If you aren't willing to respect what I want and need, FIND ANOTHER GIRLFRIEND. If the boundaries I have aren't something you think you can follow, or even want to follow, just tell me and we'll go our separate ways. It's not fair to you or me to continue like we are.

You still aren't saying you won't ever do it again. You're saying you'll TRY. Well you've been trying for our entire relationship, and obviously it isn't working. How would you feel if I just took up smoking whenever I'm around you? I know you hate it, but I can always use the excuse "I wasn't thinking", right? And that isn't NEARLY a good comparison because smoking would NEVER cause you as much emotional pain as your actions have caused me these last six months. As deep as it runs, you continue to do things you know I don't like. "I wasn't thinking" isn't an excuse. Why are you purposefully hurting the woman you say you love? And how do you expect me not to question that love now?

At this point I'm not sure I even want to spend Sunday with you. I have told you AT LEAST four times SPECIFIC things I didn't feel comfortable engaging in, and you have crossed the boundary every time. You put me in a position to either tick you off or compromise my morals at nearly every goodnight kiss. I try to respect you.....as much as I can. And I know I've messed up, too, but I would NEVER do the same thing over and over again if I knew for a fact you were hurt by it. Once is forgivable. Twice is a mistake. Three times I start to question your loyalty, your love. Four times I start to ask myself whether I can still be with you or not.

This is bad, Bob. It's really bad. Like I said earlier, if you physically CAN'T be who I need in this area, it's time for us to break up. If you don't WANT to be the boyfriend I need, it's time for us to break up. And if neither of those are the case, then why in the hell do you keep hurting me???????????????????

Just when I start to trust you, you shatter it again. It's not fair, Bob. How can we be having a serious discussion about marriage one minute, and the next I'm questioning EVER saying yes if you proposed. If you can't control yourself now, how will you do it on our wedding night? And if I need you to stop, can you do it? To be honest with you, I don't think you would. You haven't stopped now, so how would it be different that night? You'd just do what you needed to do to satisfy yourself, and forget what I need. And that would be my greatest fear all over again.

I need to be able to trust you completely, and my heart's in pieces again. Maybe you don't think it's a big deal, but I'm sorry.....even if you don't understand WHY I feel the way I do....you still know I feel that way. And it seems you have a complete disregard for my spirit. You don't know how painful that night with Richard was to me....what I carry with me now, but I've tried to explain as best as I can. Your FIRST priority should be to make sure I NEVER feel again the way I felt that night. Do you even care? I don't think you've ever truly thought about what I went through, and what it must take for me to even be in a relationship at all.

Your excuses aren't going to fly with me anymore. I gave you chances. If it happens again, I will break up with you. Or if you think it will happen again, why don't you just break up with me now so that I don't have to suffer through it all again?

Stop the meaningless excuses, and show me you care. Just SHOW ME your "I love you"s aren't shallow words.

~Ally~

updates all around

Bob and I are doing MUCH better. I talked to him about how I feel. Not in so many words, (and so honestly) as my last entry, but the important stuff has been discussed. I told him I thought we were moving too fast, that sometimes it felt like he only came to see me because of the good night and all that entails.... He was very understanding about it. I half expected him to get angry and defensive and blame me for allowing things to go to the level they have, (which isn't horribly serious, but more than I thought I'd be doing at this point) but he was cool. He said he would back off, that he didn't want to put me in the position where I'd have to tell him no, and I'm not talking sex, just so it's clear. I am DEFINITELY a wait 'til you're married kind of girl, and I believe he's that kind of guy, but I also know if I gave him the opportunity, it would be VERY hard for him to say no. I just don't want to encourage him to the point where he thinks that's where we're headed because it's not going to happen. I was clear about it, and he just held me and said he understood, that he wasn't just dating me for the kisses, and that he's sorry he made me feel that way. I think after that conversation I started to fall in love with him. I don't think I'm there yet, but his reaction was all that I wanted it to be, and more than I expected, and I saw what kind of man he is.

It's far too early to be thinking about marriage, but it HAS been discussed. When we first started dating he couldn't even say the word, but then we talked on the phone and I found out he just wasn't sure where my head was. I told him that I don't believe in dating someone that I can't see myself marrying in the future because it's a waste of time, and he got really quiet. At first I was thinking I scared him off because the whole idea of marriage seemed to freak him out, but he said he believed the same thing, but was just too scared to tell me because like I said, he wasn't sure where MY head was. He just needed to know that RIGHT NOW, I saw myself with him in the future. And he said the same to me. It blows my mind to think we've even talked about marriage, but he and I are both on the same page....it'll be at least a year before we even get engaged, and maybe longer. We're in no hurry, and he wants to finish college. I'm totally cool with that. He'll say sometimes though...."when we're married we'll..." do whatever, and it's nice to hear because it makes me feel confident that he isn't just using me. It makes me feel like he values me and who I am, apart from the kisses and all that. He has said several times that I mean the world to him, and I never thought I would believe it, but I'm starting to now. He's been very patient with my lack of trust, and that's another reason I've fallen for him so quickly. He's a special guy. Whatever happens, I know he has had a huge impact on my life for the better. I have changed so much because of him.

On to the family life....the countdown is getting closer to my sister's wedding. August 5th. EEP! We've already had two bridal showers....one that I threw, and another that Andrew's aunt planned. They have the cake lady, the florist, the caterer, and the photographer all lined up. All men have been fitted for their tuxes. All women have their dresses and shoes. We just need to decide how to do our hair. Angela asked our brother to sing "I'll Be Here" by Steven Curtis Chapman, and I believe he's playing the piano as well. Our other brother is an usher. Bob is one of the groomsmen. It's all coming together. Invitations are addressed. They just need to be mailed out, and it'll happen by the end of the week. It's exciting and terribly scary, and I'm trying to hold myself together for my mom and sister.

Everyone's leaning on me right now. My mom just found out one of her best friends has two brain anneurisms and a brain tumor, and that has her all upset, along with this wedding AND the fact that my brother announced HIS wedding date yesterday. September 16th. That gives us about a month and a half in between his and Angela's weddings. Fun. Then I'll be left in this house alone, which definitely has it's advantages, but I also am not looking forward to it. I don't want to bear the burden of keeping my parents happy. I don't want to be alone hearing their screaming matches, although lately they've taken to ignoring each other, so that hasn't been much of an issue. My mother thinks God is trying to kill her, and I don't know what to say to change that mindset. It's so hard to reach out to her and make her feel better. Usually I think of myself as a compassionate person, but for some reason with my mom I just can't bring myself to help her. I try, but I know I could do better. I think I just wish I didn't have to be the mother.

That's about it on my end of things. Work has been my only sanity lately. We're doing kind of a mini-remodel and basically re-doing every aisle. The owner of the company specifically asked our manager to put me in charge of it, so I was working with Leslie from the corporate office last week, and this week I'm on my own. Oh yes, did I mention that Wednesday I worked for four hours with the owner herself? Yeah, good times. I was a nervous wreck, but I only broke one thing! LOL! ;) Yay me. I guess I should be flattered because I think she's impressed with me. They like to do a lot of in-house promotion, so maybe one day I'll be working at the office. I'm not sure I would like that, but maybe I would seem a bit more successful to the world.

Then again, maybe not.

~Ally~

jumbled mess

Bob, why don't you listen to me? I tell you stories, and you have no reaction. You always steer the conversation right back to yourself. I feel like you're just suffering through the date to get to the kisses at the end. I feel used. You say you're falling in love with me, but what does it mean if I don't believe you? I told you I'm not going anywhere and at the time I meant it, but now I wonder how much more I can take of this.

I am much happier without you, but I melt when you hold me.

Sometimes I can't imagine being apart, and other times I can't wait to get away. You haven't changed in either instance. I'm just crazy. And who wants that?

I can't even look you in the eyes, and you notice, but don't try to fix that. I feel stupid in your presence. I feel insignificant. Worthless. Plain. I asked you to make me feel beautiful, just because I knew you would fail at it. And then I could blame you.

This is supposed to be the highlight of it all. I'm supposed to wake up and think nothing but sunshine and roses. I thought being kissed and loved by someone would make me happy. Instead I feel burdened.

I'm not who you want me to be. I don't say the things you want me to say. I'm not the girlfriend you thought I would be. I don't make you feel the way you want to feel.

I'm doing the best I can, but where do we go when our best isn't good enough? When we just don't feel like bending?

Friends, I'm sorry for who I am, how I treat you, how I avoid you. You don't deserve that. I want so much for you to accept me, but the closer you get the further I want to run. And the further you let me go, the angrier I get. No, it doesn't make sense, but it's me.

My heart is broke tonight because I know I'm getting closer to the end. I won't stop until I've sent everyone on their way.

I love you, I hate you, I want you, I want you to go.

I need you.

~Ally~

Goodbye's the saddest word...

Last Monday I was informed by one of my ex teachers/volleyball coach/co-worker/kelly concert buddy/GOOD friend Reba that her mother wasn't feeling well. She'd just gotten over a case of shingles, and was really weak. Her insides were all messed up...first she couldn't go to the restroom at ALL, then she couldn't stop going....she had a regular doctor's appointment on Wednesday, so she waited...

Wednesday comes and they ran a few tests, one being a CAT scan. Everyone was pretty upset because Lydia actually WANTED to go to the hospital - she figured that was the only way she'd get any rest - but they sent her home with just some medicine to settle her stomach a bit. A few hours later she was puking her guts out, which was a new symptom, so they called the doctor and he called in some sort of prescription and said if she wasn't any better in the morning to come on back. She wasn't, so off they went. I'm not sure exactly what happened, but they admitted her to the hospital soon after. I got a call from Reba Thursday night as I was closing the store that the CAT scan had come back, and the doctors were pretty sure it was cancer. There were some spots on her lungs, which could've been scar tissue from when she had pneumonia a lot as a child, but there were also spots on her liver, which worried me. The day before, they had asked the doctor point blank if he thought it was cancer, and he said adamantly "NO". How quickly things change, I guess....

When she called me she was crying, and I was crying, and Bob happened to be there 'cause we were supposed to go out when I got off. He gave me a hug, and I told him what was going on. Reba said that if the biopsy, which they were going to run the next day, turned out to be positive, it probably meant the cancer was pretty far spread because apparently the spots were BIG.
Bob, Andrew, Reba, Angela and I had talked about going over to Lydia's house and doing some yard and house work for her, since we knew she had been too weak to keep up with it, and it was worrying her. Friday after work we decided it was so nice outside we'd just get it done then.

We showed up at her house, chatted with her husband Jack a bit, and got to work. I did some hedge clipping, Angela and Andrew sawed some branches from a neighbors tree that were in the way while Bob mowed the front and back yards, and Reba cleaned the kitchen and bathrooms. We were finished in about an hour and a half, made sure Jack was ok, fed their dog Boots and left. We were all hungry so we stopped at Rally's which took for freakin' EVER. It occurred to me suddenly that Reba probably wanted to visit her mother in the hospital before she took us back to Kentucky (her parents live in Indiana). I had originally said I wanted to eat outside, but seeing the time I just suggested we eat on the way because visiting hours were over at 9:00 and it was nearly 8:15.

We got to the hospital and Angela broke down and couldn't go in the room. Reba went in first and chatted with her mom awhile. Her sister-in-law and one of her nieces were there...everyone seemed to be in lighthearted moods, considering the circumstances. Reba asked how all the tests that day went...I KNOW she had an MRI done of her entire body, as well as a sea scope?? I think that's what it was... So they talked about that a minute or two, and Reba came out and asked if we wanted to see her mom. I said yes, and went in for maybe one minute....she thanked us for doing the yard work, and I smiled...told her we were glad to do it, but I was thinking the whole time...SHE HAS LOST SO MUCH WEIGHT. She looked MAYBE 100 lbs, and she's my height. She was so weak she could barely talk, but she was smiling. That's Lydia. I've met her maybe ten or 15 times in my life, and she is ALWAYS smiling.

Reba seemed to be exhausted and visiting hours were nearly over, so we said bye and left.

On Saturday both Reba and I were scheduled to work. I came in at 2:00, and she came in an hour later. I asked her if she'd heard anything about the biopsy, and by the look on her face I just knew it was bad news. I knew it. She nodded and with tears in her eyes told me her mother had cancer which started at her rectum and had moved seven inches up into her colon. The doctor's were saying they'd seen people live up to five years in her condition, but that radiation and chemotherapy were necessary. First they needed to get her strength back up, though...her appetite had been almost non-existent for about two weeks, and her potassium was WAY screwed up. But anyway, it looked like they could FINALLY start attacking the problem, since they knew the source. All the guessing games were starting to get old.

So I tried to pass the time for Reba...cracking jokes when I could, letting her cry when she needed to...she seemed to be relaxing a bit. I asked her if she thought it would be possible for her mom to totally beat this...to live beyond the five years the doctors had given, and she said she didn't know.

We were playing volleyball with one of the dog toys, (it was SO SLOW...can we say Kentucky Derby????) Uh yeah, and no one was there, so we decided to have some fun. We hit a customer in the head, but he had a good sense of humor about it, so that was cool. Reba told him he was supposed to call the ball. ;)

We were taking a short break when her cell phone rang, and I KNEW it was bad. No one calls her at work unless it's urgent. She went outside, and I ran after her....I heard her say "I'll be right there, I'll be right there" and she came flying back in the store in tears. She said that was her brother on the phone calling to say their mom's heart had stopped, she had "coded"....she was on a ventilator, but he said Reba "might want to come on down". She just started running in circles, and I didn't know what to do. I just yelled out that I would drive her, not really thinking that I had a responsibility at work to stay because I was the "key person". Helen B, one of the other closers, just happened to be up there washing one of her dogs and Jesse, another co-worker, told both of us to go, that he'd ask her to stay.

So I drove her to the hospital, it took about 45 minutes, and I was scared out of my mind because I had never driven over the bridge that connects Kentucky and Indiana. I was going so fast because I wanted to get her there, and I guess adrenaline just took over, it was crazy.

All she kept saying in the car was "This is it, Ally. I just know this is it." What do you say to that??? I just sat still and let her go through the process...whatever it is. I had called Bob and Angela as soon as I left work. She and my mom just happened to be there RIGHT before I left because they showed up and didn't see my car, and Angela was dialing my cell phone as soon as she saw my name pop up that I was calling. I told them what happened, and my mom...I'll never forget it.....she said to Angela "I'll take you". Keep in mind that she's never liked Reba, she's always been jealous of the relationship that we have with her, she thinks we're closer to Reba than we are to her, so she's always been resentful. For her to offer to drive Angela up there blew me away. I guess she could sympathize because she lost her mother in a car wreck, very suddenly as well...about 14 years ago.
Anyway, Bob didn't answer his phone, but he called back later and eventually came up.

When Reba and I got there we rushed up to the cancer care unit and found Lydia's room. There were about a million doctors and nurses in there, it seemed like. I stood out in the hallway and I heard Reba cry out. Her brother was saying a few choice words, and his wife was trying to calm him down. Next thing I know they're rolling her out of the room and up to the ICU. I saw her laying on that bed, and my stomach just lurched. Her eyes and mouth were wide open...she was just gone, I could tell she wasn't with it. Thank God Reba never saw her like that. The room was so crowded she never saw her face.... The immediate family was still gathered in her room, and I heard bits and pieces of the conversation. Apparently the doctor was telling them they may have to make a decision about whether to take her off the ventilator or not. They weren't sure yet, just something he wanted them to think about because while they were trying all they could and she seemed somewhat stabilized now, they couldn't promise much. To my relief, EVERYONE seemed totally adamant that Lydia wouldn't have wanted to be a vegetable. She wouldn't have wanted to be a burden. If it came down to it...the quality of life...they were taking her off. I was just grateful everyone was on the same page.

Angela, my mom, and Andrew showed up about that time, and I decided we should probably go in the waiting room. No sooner had we sat down did Reba come in and tell us about the conversation with the doctor... We all hugged her, did our best to do whatever we could, but nothing could ease the pain I don't think. She said she was gonna head up to level four, the ICU, so we followed and found a waiting room there.

Maybe a half hour later she came in and announced that her mother was dead. Just like that. She had coded again on the way up to ICU, and they tried and tried to bring her back, but she was dead. So it turns out the family never had to make a decision, which is good I guess...

Six days ago she just felt weak...three days ago they were saying adamantly it wasn't cancer....a day after they'd gone back on that, but they weren't quite sure how bad it was, and now she was gone.

I just lost it. I was trying my best to be strong for Reba, but I couldn't do it anymore. I knew her mother, too. She'd cooked me and my co-workers many batches of fudge, especially at Christmastime. We'd been over to her house several times. Reba sometimes took her students out there for a cookout, and Lydia was the PERFECT host. I'd been out pickin' strawberries with her.... She was just a giving lady. Heart of gold, and I mean that in every sense....

For as long as I've known her, Reba called her mother EVERY NIGHT on the phone before she went to bed. If she was going to be out late, she'd call and let her mom know so she wouldn't wait up. She lived with her parents 'til she got married....moved back after her divorce...and that's when I think they really really bonded. She was going through a horrible time, and her mother was her rock. Eventually she found the apartment she's in now, but she still called every single night. She always ended the conversation the same way, 'cause I've been there to witness it countless times. It was always "Good night. Tell everybody I love ya". One time she hung up the phone and DIDN'T say it. I was shocked and made the joke that her mom's gonna think her daughter doesn't love her anymore! She ended up calling her back, and I was partially right...her mom HAD noticed she didn't say it, but they laughed about it, and at the end of THAT conversation, she hung up the right way. ;)

Reba told us that when she was in the hospital room with her mother after she had passed away, that's the last thing she said "Good nite, tell everybody I love ya" and I just broke down again.

I can't tell you the pain I'm in tonight, and what's even worse is I know how much deeper hers has got to be....

Reba has always been my second mother. She knows about Richard. She knows about my cutting. She has been there for me when NO ONE else was, and she has always been the nurturing one. I don't know how good I'm going to be at returning the favor. I don't feel strong enough to be what she needs right now.

I came to her apartment Saturday night and fed her cat. One of her nieces drove her home at about noon on Sunday. I called to see if she wanted to go out to eat with us, not knowing if that was a dumb thing to do or not, but not wanting her to sit alone in her apartment by herself crying, either. She declined the offer and said she was going to try to sleep, so that was good.

Bob drove me back to the hospital to get my car because I wasn't in good shape to drive it home Saturday night. We talked for a little bit, and he headed back to campus. I met up with Angela and Andrew and we went to Kroger and got some "comfort food" for Reba. We'd heard it through the grapevine that she was out of toilet paper, so we hooked her up with 24 rolls of the good stuff. ;) along with milk, pepsi, reese's ice cream...just stuff we thought would make it easier. We bought her some "crazy daisies"...they're bright blue, yellow, pink, orange...very cheerful and we thought perfect for her. I called my manager and she said she had some little ham and turkey sandwiches left over from a derby party her daughter had thrown, and if I wanted to come over and take them to Reba I could. So we drove over there, got the sandwiches, visited her for awhile, then headed to Reba's apartment.

She seemed to be holding up pretty well, although I believe the eyes tell everything, and hers weren't happy. She LOVED the toilet paper, by the way. ;)
We chatted for a bit...and then she told us they found out some of the results for various other tests they'd run. Turns out the doctor's weren't only estimating that she'd had cancer for over TEN YEARS, but that the MRI also showed she had a massive brain tumor as well. Fun. How can you have cancer for ten years and a brain tumor and not know???? I think she was in a lot more pain than she ever let on. She was very much the silent suffering type....I knew that about her a long time ago. She was so used to taking care of other people, she'd put herself on the back burner in a heartbeat.

It's crazy how fast this all happened. It's like within a week she went from tired to dead. Her brother had been feeding her ice cream, then the nurse took a turn, her eyes popped open wide and bam....her heart stopped. What in the world?????????? It makes me so so angry.

Her mother was her best friend. By FAR. She's already made the comment SEVERAL times that she wishes it were her dad that died, if that tells you anything about their relationship. He's just very stubborn and unemotional, and sometimes he didn't treat her mother very well, and that ticks Reba off. I'm worried what's going to happen to Jack, though. Lydia was his life. Without her he has nothing, I know it. His daughter doesn't want to take care of him, and frankly....I don't think his son wants that burden either. I worry about him. Everyone thinks his mind is gone, but I think he's much sharper than anyone realizes. I heard he broke down when he heard the news. A neighbor brought him up to the hospital but he didn't get there before she died, so that's hard. He had come earlier and kissed her on the cheek, though....

Visitation was from 4-9 today...9-1 tomorrow, with the funeral immediately following. Today I could only come for about a half hour because of work, but tomorrow will be the really hard test as it'll be an all day thing. I just have to remember how much harder it'll be for her and her family and SUCK IT UP.

We ended Sunday by cleaning Reba's apartment, doing dishes, dusting, etc while she was away with her family. She came home about 11:00 pm, and we were just waitin' for her. She was going through pictures to put out at the funeral, and we all started crying again. I've GOT to hold up for her, though. I've slipped a few times, but I've GOT to hold up.

I'm on a mission to find an accompaniment tape to the hymn "It is Well". Reba wants that played at the funeral, and I think I can go to a Christian bookstore and find it pretty easily. Other than that, I'm at a loss as to how to help. Anyone reading this, I need the strength to get her through this. I know this is only the beginning. I need help.

~Ally~

What else can I ask for?

Bob left Tuesday for a Baptist Student Union council retreat in Crestwood, KY. He'll be back Thursday, and we're planning on seeing each other when I get off work that night. It's good that he's so busy, just because I know the two of us don't like to be in clingy relationships, but sometimes I feel like I'm just waiting around for his schedule to clear up. He's already made the comment "Well I'm sure you have other friends besides me" and the truth is, yes I do, but I don't hang out with them much. Before he came along I really didn't go anywhere except work. I just wasn't interested or motivated to get out and do anything. I don't want him thinking he's my ONLY source of happiness because that's absolutely not true. He's just bringing out sides of me that I haven't experienced in a long time. I want to be around him, but sometimes I wonder if he wants to be around me only when there's nothing better to do. I'm glad he has a life outside of me, I just wonder if he'd ever be willing to give one of his "trips" up to stay with me if I needed him to. I think so... :) I just need to stop being so paranoid.

So I realize I haven't mentioned THE KISS. I'm not going into a ton of details because really, that's just wrong, but I will say just like the first one...it was perfect. Obviously, I totally lack experience so I have nothing to compare it to, but I do know my sister had an awful time. Apparently her ex practically shoved his tongue down her throat, and that was her FIRST kiss, EVER. I'm so glad Bob knew better than that. He seems to be a perfect gentleman, though at times I feel like we're going a bit fast here.... :( Angela keeps making little comments about it, how we need to slow down, and I think I agree, but it makes me mad to hear it from her. I don't think we've done anything wrong yet, and I just hope he won't put me in the position where I either have to compromise my morals, or upset him by telling him to stop. Another thing I worry about is if I'll even have the courage to tell him no. *sigh* It's getting complicated, but hopefully we can just kinda stay at this level right now.

When he got home from visiting his parents last Sunday, he drove straight to my house, and joined me, Angela and Andrew here. We watched "Hitch" while we helped my mom make little candle decorations for the wedding. Then Angela and I treated the guys to pizza at this little restaurant about ten minutes away. It's the "hip" place here in the country. LOL! ;) Afterwards we came back home and watched "John Q". Well, they watched it. I ended up falling asleep on the couch next to Bob, and once again I was amazed at how comfortable and safe he makes me feel. He mentioned it, too. When the movie was over and we were outside saying goodbye, he said he was glad that I was able to relax around him.

But things definitely aren't always sunshine and roses. We were online talking on ym one night, discussing a recent "disagreement" we'd had over his need to try alcohol. He just dropped that bomb the night of Thunder Over Louisville. We were both on the phone to keep from falling asleep on the way home, and he told me that he'd always been tempted, and that when he turned 21 he'd be at a wedding, and he would probably drink. I told him that was a complete dealbreaker with me. Knowing that most of his family are alcoholics, his risk of becoming addicted is GREAT. That and the fact that I've seen up close and personal with my dad and uncle how dangerous it is, and I refuse to be a part of that. I told him straight up that I couldn't stop him if he wanted to try it, but that I would never support it. I asked him if he was curious about the TASTE or the buzz he would get, and he said the taste, which made me feel a bit better, but I was still upset. I know it probably seems petty, but when you've seen your dad throw chairs at your mother and you see the fear in her face and the tears in her eyes, you don't forget that. Ever.

So the next day we were at Arby's and we talked a little about it again. That's when I told him about the throwing chairs thing, and how much it scared me. Not to mention the fact that the NIGHT before, when I got off the phone with him, I was forced to listen to my brother puke his guts out in the next room because of alcohol. Perfect timing, and it just solidified my stance. Anyway, Bob told me that before he met me, there wasn't anything anyone could say to keep him from at least trying alcohol, but the fact that he could lose me if he does is enough to curb that desire. I know it'll be hard, and if he does slip up, I'm willing to try to work it out, but it's one thing I won't tolerate for very long.

Monday night when I got off work we went to his apartment to watch "Batman Begins". Yes, I was a nervous wreck. And yes, I probably should have told him so, but I didn't want him to think I don't trust him. Which brings up another question: do I really?? If I'm still afraid to be around him alone, do I really trust him?? The fact is I think I'm always going to be hesitant, but he should know why, and not take it personally. We'll see. His roommates where there, so it wasn't like we were totally alone. And no, he didn't try anything. We barely held hands. Neither of us is the type to be all over each other in front of people anyway, which is good. It nauseates me when I see Angela and Andrew sometimes. LOL!

I fell asleep again during the movie...it really wasn't one of my favorites. :| My back has been hurting a LOT recently...it always has, but it seems to be getting worse, and he gives the BEST back rubs. Again, totally innocent.

When the movie was over he drove me back to work where I picked up my car. I swear we stayed in that parking lot for an hour and a half just saying goodbye. It was ten minutes 'til 3:00 when I finally got in my car to drive home.

It's been an amazing ride so far. We've both made it clear that we don't date anyone unless we can see ourselves marrying that person in the future, so what that means, I don't know....but I feel like he's not faking it with me. He couldn't even say the word "marriage" because he wasn't sure where I stood. As soon as I told him I don't date without that vision being a possibility, he let out a sigh of relief and told me he felt the same way. NOT that we both want to get married anytime soon, but now we know we're not wasting our time. At least not intentionally. I'm realistic enough to know that this may not work out, and as hard as that is, at least I'm sure that right NOW, he's crazy about me. And really, what else can I ask for?

~Ally~